He keeps going back to another conversation when he’s not winning one.
I never want to go to so many funerals in a row ever again.
Have you ever read a story out loud to your dog?
She scattered his ashes around the tree that he had planted last year which died.
Don’t lose your stomach lining over that.
Cut me in half and count the rings.
Every time someone in the family died, my mother scheduled a cruise.
Why does coffee have a table named after it and not tea?
Calvin says, “A coffee table by any other name is still a coffee table. Now a dog bowl by any other name is an ice cream dish.”
If you leave your coffee on the hood of the car, and it drops, somebody else will drink it.
Don’t date Fabio. The most popular guy in school won’t make a good husband.
The Queen has a facebook page, but you can’t poke her.
I used to think God lived in a confessional booth. Now I think he lives on facebook.
Sister Boom-Boom was no sister.
Your brain doesn’t crunch.
The film was super lo-budge.
Calvin says, “I need a facebook page for my fans. And you can poke me anytime.”
A father and college-age son. At a café.
Dad: Take some literature classes when you get to college. Stories will save your life.
Son: How so?
Dad: You’ll learn how to communicate and you’ll avoid counseling when you’re married.
Son: What if I only want to take science classes?
Dad: You’ll have a tough time as a husband and father. Your children don’t come out of the chute speaking geek. And your wife will need to learn this language in order to know who you are, and she’ll be too busy with the kids, do you want to put her through that?
Son: Geez, I had no idea being an engineer would be so hazardous to my future.
Dad: Not if you mix it up with some Shakespeare, some poetry, and some good fiction.
Son: That will delay my getting out of school.
Dad: I’ll pay for the delay. It’s my investment in your marriage and my grand kids.
Son: Thy should’st not worry, father. I resolve to mark your words.
Calvin says, “That explains why I only speak hound. I wish my dad had recommended Peanuts and Winnie the Poo to me.”