Spice It Up

I’m writing this on the subway on my way home. Two women, about the same age, complete strangers, sit in front with their backs to me. I notice both have the same shade of blonde on their heads, out of the same tube, probably the same store and shelf where all the other hair dyes live, where a spectrum from black to almost silver beckon to female customers. Boxes and boxes with faces of models half their age. I wonder what shade they picked. Bubbly Blonde or Gold Nugget. One is trying to camouflage the Earl(y) grey. The other had highlighted the mouse(y) in her head. At any rate, it doesn’t work. I would have chosen a warm brown with flecks of red cardinal to make their complexions come alive.  unnamed (2)

I say if you’re going to change your color, go for broke. You can always paint over it if you hate it. Or live like another woman for a while. It’s your opportunity to go Bohemian, paint a canvas, go belly dancing or hug a stranger, your husband. He’d think he walked into the wrong house. You might come home looking ten years younger and then the adventure begins.

Calvin says, “So when’s your next appointment at the hair dresser’s? I could use a little excitement around here.” beagle

What Your Grandmother Missed on This Subway Ride

I schlep the subway into work everyday. Public transportation is always drama. You never know what might erupt in front of your face.

For example, this morning a couple, in their 50’s, came on board. There were no seats for both of them together, so the woman sat in one row, next to a young buck in dark glasses, earphones, a baseball cap and a hoodie, drinking a large coffee in a paper cup. He draped his arm on the backrest of the seat invading the wife’s space.

The husband, in the row behind her, leaned over and told the kid to remove his arm. “Don’t tell me what to do!” the kid said.

The husband barked the order again. Then he repeatedly swiped the kid’s arm. The kid wouldn’t budge. He only got louder. “Take your hands off me!”

This was reality TV happening before our eyes. I looked around to see if anyone was filming this on their smart phone. Others were rubbernecking to see the oncoming explosion.

Not me. I prayed. I didn’t want to arrive at the office with blood-stained clothes.

“I”m calling the police!” the kid shouted.

We stopped at another station. More people got on, mostly elderly women. The kid leaped up to give his seat to one of the women, and stood hanging from a strap staring at the husband the rest of the way.

“Let me see your eyes,” the husband said.

The kid pulled out an ear bud. “What did you say, old man?”

“Let me see your eyes,” the husband said.

The kids yanked his dark glasses off and glared at the husband.

We made it thought the tunnel and into the first station in the city. Lots of people got off leaving several empty seats. The kid sat down behind the husband.

The husband turned around to face the kid. Here it comes, I thought. Do I call 911?

“I’m sorry for getting angry,” he said.

The kid shrugged. “It shows you’re taking care of your mom.”

“That’s my wife,” the husband said.

Oh no, here it comes, I thought.

“Okay, it shows you’re taking care of your wife.”

And with that the kid got up and got off at the next stop.

Calvin says, “Wow. Close call. I’d have circled the kid and bayed at full volume until the cops turned up.”

What Dr. Cal Lightman Taught Me About Relationships

Esther’s heart pounded in her chest. Sam was dreamy. They were eating dinner at a funky, out-of-the-way bistro he had selected. Never mind that it was by the highway. The conversation flowed over the cheap wine, the chemistry was heating up, and Esther already envisioned herself in a wedding gown. Finally the man for her.

If Dr. Cal Lightman, the central character of the TV show Lie To Me, had been in the restaurant, which I doubt, he would have noticed right away that Sam wasn’t as interested in Esther and she was in him. In fact, by the time their overdone steaks had arrived, he had cooled towards her, but she hadn’t noticed. His pupils weren’t dilated, his smile didn’t crinkle the corners of his eyes, and under the table his feet were pointed in the direction of the exit. Lightman would have said, “Doomed before dessert.”

Lie To Me is about observing body language and micro-facial expressions to bust bad guys. It’s good. You need to watch it. It’s valuable education. Based on research by clinical psychologist Dr. Paul Ekman, the show will give you critical insight into what the behavior of others is telling you.

Whether you’re looking to become the hottest marketer in your company or find Mr. Right, you need this.

The body speaks louder than words. Secret Service agents know this. Actors know it. And now you, too, can know it.

Want to know quickly what someone is thinking about you?

Check his feet. If they’re pointed at you, in a parallel line, he is positively engrossed in your every word.

If his feet are angled away from you and pointed in the direction of the exit, change the subject or run.

How do you know if the guy you’re dating is interested in you?

See if he leans in with his head when you’re talking. That’s one good sign.

If he talks to you with little expression on his face, or if he keeps a football stadium length between you and him, call a cab quick and high tail it out of there.

So what do you do to become an expert in these clues?

Watch the shows. Not only are they entertaining, but you’ll have a leg up on everyone else.

Calvin says, “Beagles come fully loaded knowing this kind of stuff. It’s all wired into our noses.”

Out of Focus

At a cafe. Late morning. Two writers.

Man: I heard a story just the other day of a woman who swallowed her contact lenses.

Woman: That’s hard to believe.

Man: She had woken up in the middle of the night and was thirsty and drank the contact lens bottle thinking it was the bottle of water.

Woman: Did the insurance cover that?

Man: Stupidity?

Woman: You never know.

Man: The next day she groped everyone at work and caused a fuss.

Woman: Did they send her to the eye doctor?

Man: No. They sent her home in a cab with a case of bottled water.

Calvin says, “Hm…I just thought of something. Dogs don’t have eye doctors. That could explain why we don’t come when you call us.”