Spice It Up

I’m writing this on the subway on my way home. Two women, about the same age, complete strangers, sit in front with their backs to me. I notice both have the same shade of blonde on their heads, out of the same tube, probably the same store and shelf where all the other hair dyes live, where a spectrum from black to almost silver beckon to female customers. Boxes and boxes with faces of models half their age. I wonder what shade they picked. Bubbly Blonde or Gold Nugget. One is trying to camouflage the Earl(y) grey. The other had highlighted the mouse(y) in her head. At any rate, it doesn’t work. I would have chosen a warm brown with flecks of red cardinal to make their complexions come alive. unnamed (2)

I say if you’re going to change your color, go for broke. You can always paint over it if you hate it. Or live like another woman for a while. It’s your opportunity to go Bohemian, paint a canvas, go belly dancing or hug a stranger, your husband. He’d think he walked into the wrong house. You might come home looking ten years younger and then the adventure begins.

Calvin says, “So when’s your next appointment at the hair dresser’s? I could use a little excitement around here.” beagle

The Face Says It All

The latest advertising scheme is a personal one.

You can sell your body parts as ad space to companies for a fee.

Now young people are sporting company logos on their faces.

Maybe other parts too, but I don’t want to know the details.

That’s not a bad way to make an income if you don’t mind being a billboard.

It’s environmentally friendly. No fliers or postcards to hand people on the street.

It prompts people to ask questions.

It causes a stir.

And if you don’t mind people staring at you for 8-hours a day, I suppose it’s a great way to a movie career.

Whatever the reason for renting out your cheeks, you will probably end up with public fatigue at the end of the day.

How can you stand the public’s gaze and murmuring all day long?

“Mary, did you see that woman’s face? Her cheeks looked like two lobsters clawing each other.”

“Now Edward, stop staring at that poor girl. Can’t you see her Botox injection went horribly wrong?”

This sounds crazy, but innovative advertising is always a bit off-putting.

Have you forgotten the ads for beer and cars during a Super-Bowl or a World-Series?

What about the ones with your favorite athlete in them?

I think this rent-a-face idea will catch on quickly.

Especially with fashion models and over-the-hill actors.

What a way to build a second career.

Calvin says, “Beagle cheeks like mine will be all the rage, too. Then I can afford steak for dinner.”

How Your Smart Phone Is Biting You Back

According to experts in Europe, the smart phone might be to blame for sagging cheeks and droopy facial skin. More and more face problems are showing up in plastic surgeons’ offices.

The people are showing up, too, not just the face. And it’s not a pretty sight.

Apparently we’re bending over our computers and talking into our cell phones too much. This is causing our jaws to sag, our cheeks to flop, and our chins to recede like a wave in the ocean.

Plastic surgeons are all too happy to fix the problem. The new darlings of facial fixes are chin implants, tucked up cheeks, and straightened out jaws.

Sounds like an aerobics class on steroids.

So not only are we at risk for brain tumors because our phones are radiating our ears, but now we have facial creep.

Is there a solution?

How about rotary phones? They could be mini-devices in different colors to match our tablets.

We could invest in carrier pigeons and send notes to our friends and family by air. But that gets messy. You need rooftop cages and lots of seed. The clean-up is not pretty. And where do you go for birds with GPS brains who know your relatives?

We could, of course, revert back to writing letters. You know, the yellow pad with that instrument called a pen. Oh, but wait. We’d have to learn grammar and punctuation all over again. Thanks to texting and tweeting we can’t write a full sentence anymore.

Calvin says, “You brought it on yourselves. Technology has a dark side. Take a lesson from us beagles. We bay and sniff and snort. That communication never goes out of style.”