One Flu Over the Oscars

I was hit last weekend with the stomach flu or food poisoning. I didn’t know which. The symptoms were the same, so it didn’t matter.

I was dying.

My bones hurt.

I was nauseous.  face2

Food was revolving. 

Fortunately there were the Oscars.

While sucking on a Coke, I watched Ellen Tweet her photos, order pizza and force Scorsese to fork over $200 dollars along with Brad and Leonardo. I noticed she hit the men up for the money and passed out the food to the women. And the guys complied like docile little puppies. Except Brad. She had to shame him in front of a watching world to hand over more bills.

What I didn’t understand was the fairy costume. I must have missed the explanation while my head exploded and I floated off into space like Sandra.

I thought the musical numbers were good, the gowns were sensational, and the jewels were to die for, which I was doing throughout the evening.

I noticed the absence of Tom Hanks and Emma Thompson, but then I notice year after year that the truly talented are passed over for the younger, more appealing. I suppose it’s to keep the youth audiences happy. They’re the ones at the box office, not me.

In between slurps of Coke, I forced myself to drink an ocean of water before they announced the best picture. 

Just as the glamour queen opened the envelope, I ran to the bathroom.

When I came back, it was all over.

By Monday, I was several pounds lighter.

I was relieved Gravity hadn’t won.

I felt I was back in orbit.

Calvin says, “You’re back in orbit alright. You still haven’t come down and I could use a couple of pizza slices right about now.” beagle

Conversations on the Run6

He keeps going back to another conversation when he’s not winning one.

I never want to go to so many funerals in a row ever again.

Have you ever read a story out loud to your dog?

She scattered his ashes around the tree that he had planted last year which died.

Don’t lose your stomach lining over that.

Cut me in half and count the rings.

Every time someone in the family died, my mother scheduled a cruise.

Why does coffee have a table named after it and not tea?

Calvin says, “A coffee table by any other name is still a coffee table. Now a dog bowl by any other name is an ice cream dish.”

The No-Wheat Life

I decided to go gluten-free a month ago. I thought I was going to die. The first two days I had flu-like symptoms with aches and pains all over my body. Then the migraine headache kicked in and hung on for more than 24-hours. I became so sleepy I couldn’t get off the couch. It was a good thing I decided to do this on a weekend when I would have time to indulge myself in these revolting symptoms. I was ready to tell my husband to drive me to the ER when I thought I better check the Internet first. Sure enough, everything I was experiencing was “normal” for wheat withdrawal.

Now that is downright scary.

I thought wheat was the staple of life.

That was 100 years ago when wheat was wheat. Today who knows what’s in it, like most of our food nowadays.

Do I feel better now? Honestly, it’s hard to tell. But I’m too scared to go back to wheat and feel lousy all over again.

Calvin says, “I don’t even want to think of what goes into my kibble.”